Are you exhausted?

Why are you so upset??

What is wrong with you??

Do you want to sit in time out?

Don't make me call your mom!

Wipe that look off your face!

Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!

...Should I keep going?

When kids are upset, they really know how to push our buttons. It seems like they say and do things just to see how much they can irritate us. While this may be the case sometimes (which is a whole other topic for another day), the truth is there is something going on that has nothing to do with us as the adults personally. We say the kids think everything is about them. Maybe we need to keep ourselves in check with that too. Ask yourself, "What is my feeling about how this child is acting?" If it is one of defensiveness or anger... you might need to flip that switch and remember that every behavior really does have a reason, and it very well may have nothing to do with you.

So, if it's not about you? What in the world could be bothering this child?

Let's start with the basics: Consider the HALTT acronym.

Are they: 

Hungry- have they had enough nutritious food to eat? When I don't, I sure get cranky!

Angry- did something happen before they got to you this morning that is the true target of their feelings?

Lonely- are they needing to connect with you, but they don't know how to in a positive way?

Tired- did they get a good night sleep the night before? Did they stay up later than usual or did something keep them awake in the night?

Triggered- are they feeling yucky today? Are they fighting a cold or a tummy ache, so their emotions are much less filtered? 

When we start here, it's pretty easy to think of the remedies to each of these problems. Hungry? Try feeding them. Lonely? Try giving a hug. You get the picture.

It's that "angry" one that we often don't know the remedy for. The tricky part with this one is- your child may or may not have the verbal skills to tell you what has made them angry. Or, even if they do have the verbal skills, they have no idea where to begin explaining it. (After all, most adults have a hard time with this too, don't they?)

So, how do we figure it out? We start by reflecting the child's feeling to let them know we understand- "You seem really angry." Then, we simply ask the child what is bothering them. It's amazing what they will tell us when we simply ask. If they're not sure, we can play a bit of a guessing game. You know your kids. Chances are you have some ideas of what it could be, and if they hear you say it, it might ring a bell. 

We may or may not be able to solve the source of their anger or make it go away, but identifying it with them and listening is often what is needed most. This interaction strengthens the caregiver-child relationship more than you can imagine. Remember the number one thing every child needs... that essential close relationship an adult. The closer your relationship, the easier this process will be. What a wonderful system.

If the child is too tiny to talk or struggles with an expressive disability, do your best to observe. Observe actions, body posture, actions, rhythms. Reflect to the child what he is feeling. Let him know you understand. "You are so mad that you can't have that toy." The more attuned you are to the child, the more you will be able to nurture and soothe; ultimately ridding of the resulting behavior.

Of course, last but not least, rely on your relationship with the parent. Ask the expert on this child what is going on. You will most likely get enough of an answer to help you form a solution, or you may strike gold and be able to work as a team to solve the root of the problem and prevent it from happening again.

The bottom line is: Stay calm. Reflect. Ask questions.

A tantrum is a child showing you on the outside a picture of how they are feeling on the inside. The more a child feels heard and understood, the less they will exhaust themselves trying to show you. And the less they will exhaust you.

And, wouldn't we all like to feel a little less exhausted?